I am not sure I really even want to write right now, hence why I am. I went away from the pen and paper for a while (and I bet it while happen again). I went away because I stopped. I stopped caring, I stopped pursuing, stopped clamoring, stopped needing that extra inch like Al Pacino talks about in Any Given Sunday. Bottom line is that I did something that has never happened to me yet. I fully stopped.
I have been told a lot by a lot of people that I need to let go, need to stop, need to seek counsel and stop trying to figure everything out. Much of that advice is extremely true and comes from grounded perspectives and honest hearts. But, not all of that advice is applicable to me. See, me stopping, me hitting a sort of stop-and-smell-the-roses sort of limbo is like putting a car in neutral on a step hill. One can easily expect the outcome of that endeavor. I should have been able to expect the outcome of my endeavor to stop and slow down, etc. It has been a traditional folly of mine to give in at that 99% that I have talked about before.
I have traditionally given in, but in the last few months something started to change. I finally finished my Master’s degree, I secured a job, I finished and published my book, and I moved forward. Something else happened though too, I completely lost my way. I had no clue as to who I am and what I am all about. That is scary. I was a walking zombie of a person.
That zombie-like state landed me into a very stark and negative place. I slowly regained old bad habits. I took to sex and the drink, and started to walk that line of God on one side and false idols on another. I do not have a built in regard for my own safety and an understanding of my own mortality. I cannot look at myself and feel what others feel. I have, maybe a side effect of heavy medication and other things, become very numb to emotions. Maybe I am slipping back into a long drawn out stretch of mania whereby I simply move and move and never stop and never fully feel. The presumed scary part is that I don’t really mind that.
See, as the days went by recently, I started to break down again. I lost a job, started binge drinking, stopped and started with my meds over and over again. I was a wreck. It ended up landing me in a hospital for three weeks were I spent a lot of time digesting how I got there. I got there on a stretcher in an ambulance with a lot of alcohol and sedatives in my stomach. I figuratively got there, in a way that shakes my head. I honestly cannot explain how I got there. It went from zero to 1,000 so fast that I cannot comprehend it. I don’t know how I went to such crazy lengths, but I did and it just happened.
So, while spending three weeks in a hospital with nothing to do but pray for visitors, read my Bible and think about my actions, I had a lot of time on my hands. I had hoped for some great warm feeling to wash over me and make me want to pull a Charles Dickens’ type of ending out of my hat and start dancing around fevered with the fact that I am alive. That really didn’t take place and still hasn’t.
Instead of that, I feel like I have no control. I have no control of living or dying. It is out of my hands. For someone that needs and craves control, the ultimate need is to control my life on my terms. But, I cannot and that is what I thought about for days and nights.
In the few days since I left the hospital, I went back to doing on the outside are my usual tricks. I lined up some job interviews, landed a job in about 15 minutes at an interview, found a place to live, found some money, reconnected with friends and family and I pushed forward. But, on the inside a lot has changed. I received a Facebook message from an old friend from college. She wrote about how she was so proud that the intense Pete could write blogs about himself and let his guard down and let himself be weak. I smiled about that. In the midst of all the chaos that is my life, there is a simple fact that slowly but surely (even at the worst of lengths and going past the lowest of lows) I am still progressing in a good and Godly direction.
For many, the events of my recent life and actions should be met with lots of emotions, lots of things to talk about, things to cross-examine, dissect and really get down deep and explore. I find none of that to be rewarding or of positive gains. At some point, I just needed to do what I did and exhaust it from system. I reached an apex for myself. Something that I longed to do since I was a very young child I attempted to do and I failed at it. But, I can gladly accept that failure; I can move forward knowing that my life is out of my hands. I am surprisingly calm and very calculated about everything.
Life is good. Life is really good, and the t-shirts tell me so. I hear it, see it and believe it. I also just don’t really want to talk about it. I don’t know if that will change and a rush and gush of emotions will fly out of me. I tend to think that won’t happen. I am not really built that way. What I think is going to happen is that I am going to move forward even more so. I am going to just enjoy this moment. And then I will enjoy the next moment and the next.
Most people never get to start over. They never get to start anew. I have had that opportunity over and over again. Granted it was never as drastic and dramatic as of recent, but it still was opportunity after opportunity. The Latin term is known as Tabula Rosa. Tabula Rosa simply means clean slate. I am starting over, again, with a clean slate. That is pretty darn cool if you ask me. And I would rather be asked about that then the bombardment of questions about my present state and mindset. I would rather talk about things to come instead of things gone by. That is where I am at today.